In the first class of my “Six Essential Steps to Take You From Struggling to Thriving as a Sensitive Soul” course which began last week, one of the participants asked a powerful question about connecting.
As we talked, we realized that she was equating “merging” with connecting.
Merging means merging or enmeshing your own energy with someone else’s energy.
Empathic sensitives do this unknowingly all the time.
It’s exhausting.
Connecting, on the other hand, can be quite different. We don’t actually need to merge our energy with someone else’s or leave our bodies (sensitives do this all the time) to connect.
Instead, we can stay in our own energy, get grounded, and connect with someone from a place of true, reverent awe for their beauty as a human being — even from across the room. We don’t actually have to “fly” over to them and energetically cozy-up to feel that sense of connection.
The difference for me is in how it feels. When I’m truly connecting, and not merging, I’m conscious, present, grounded, and calm. I feel a strong yet detached appreciation of the other person. My own experience can range from wonderment to frustration, depending on what’s happening in our interaction, but I’m not “in there” feeling with them (or worse, for them).
When I’m in the awe and wonderment place, I feel highly connected to the other person without taking on their feelings or personality.
If I’m merging unconsciously, I feel distracted, out-of-body, ungrounded, and uncomfortable. And I have a hard time paying attention to anyone else in the room.
This isn’t to say that I don’t ever use my empathic ability consciously to merge — when I work with clients I work in a sacred space that allows me to safely intuit what’s going on for them but to then return to my own energy without staying unknowingly connected to them. It’s such a relief to be able to work with my empathy consciously.
Here are five tips for making a conscious connection instead of merging:
1. Stay in your own body and energy.
2. Get grounded.
3. Shield yourself or set up filters to reduce negative energy transfers from the other person.
4. Respectfully observe, don’t absorb, what’s going on with the other person.
5. Appreciate them from a place of reverent detachment.
Remember, Connecting Doesn’t Have to Be Merging
As a sensitive soul, you’re probably working a lot harder than you have to be. You don’t actually have to leave your body to connect. You don’t have to feel or process other people’s energy for them. You can stand up for yourself without jumping out of your own skin. Make your empathic ability conscious, get grounded and stay present, and life gets a whole lot easier.
What’s Jenna doing?
~> November 5th through December 14th. Jenna is leading her course, “Six Steps to Take You from Struggling to Thriving as a Sensitive Soul in this Not-So-Sensitive World.” It’s not too late to join the course — everything is recorded so you haven’t missed a thing. Find out more here.
~> November 12th and 13th. Jenna will be leading the private retreat for her Pure Platinum Visionaries Mentoring Program.
~> Tuesday, November 17th. Jenna will be holding the monthly Laser Coaching Call-In Hours for her Mastery Circle members. Did you know? The Mastery Circle is a powerful group open to past participants of Jenna’s Embrace Your Essential Self program that helps sensitives take their skills to the next level of mastery in an intuitive, open support setting.
~> December 16th through January 6th. Jenna will be vacationing at home for the holidays.
~> January 7th through January 9th. Jenna will be attending a platinum retreat with her new platinum coach, Bria Simpson.
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Jenna,
I am not doing well in my job hunting right now and my employment benefits will end in about one month! This puts alot of pressure on me to find something soon. On the other hand I must be careful not to make any hasty decision about accepting a job that I don’t really want. Sometimes I am absolutely clueless as to what kind of work I would like to do. I am not getting anywhere with my employment agent either since it is very bureaucratic and I don’t fit their criteria of being eligible for some of their programs because I only want to work part time. I feel that all the doors that I tried knocking on are entirely closed to me and it makes me feel hopeless and unempowered and I don’t like feeling this way. I even ask for guidance and pray to my archangels and I wonder if they are hearing my call. I try to tell myself that perhaps something better for me will come along but I am not seeing the light yet. Anyway, take care. G.P.
Thank you for a wonderful insight.
I’ve never realized the difference, although I’ve noticed a lack of boundaries between myself and other people. Sometimes when I interact I feel drawn in some kind of “tunnel”, a feeling of isolation of me and the other person(s) so much that I don’t really notice what is going on around us – and I feel completely exhausted afterward.
Same thing happen when I visit someone who is sick, or go to hospital visit or a funeral – I barely can stand all the negative energy, fear and sorrow on such places, as if I don’t have any protection around me, I feel completely exposed and burdened by other people’s feelings.
I think I have to observe myself when I am not “drawned” and try to copy the way I communicate in these situations and implement it when it’s needed. Literally I have to stop myself from falling from the edge. It wouldn’t be easy at all.
love,
ana
Giovanna, Good luck to you in your job search. I can’t help thinking the Universe may be pointing you in another direction (toward your true, Authentic Work perhaps, rather than trying to go through bureaucracy, etc.). That feeling of the doors being closed seems like a good indication that you are knocking on the wrong doors.
Tajana, Thanks for your note. I’ve noticed that tunnel as well, though I don’t think I find it as exhausting as you mentioned. I notice it come up when I’m in a space of real truth and alignment with another person — it’s one of my “truth signs.” Do you know how to protect yourself or disconnect afterward? Those skills might help you.
Warmly,
Jenna
Jenna,
Wow! What a great question and answer! I have personally been working on just this issue. Your article gave light and understanding to something I was working on…yet couldn’t find the right words to blend it all together. After reading this article it now makes sense! I have worked with clients in a very connected manner , but just recently reunited with an old friend who is also empathic and sensitive , and found myself experiencing the merging on and off for the last few weeks. I couldn’t understand where the confusion, inconsistent conversations, and or utter exhaustion were coming from, when I know that I like and enjoy my friend. So now I understand that we both may have been doing this “You don’t have to feel or process other people’s energy for them “So thank you again for your insights, this gives me such understanding!
~Meg
Hi Jenna, thank you for another wonderful article! It would be so great for me if you could write an article on clairsentient empaths sometime, who seem to have even less control than other sensitives about whose emotions they merge with. I am highly clairsentient and I am always aware of the energy and emotions of the people and animals around me, whether I merge with them or not. I like this quality about myself because it makes understanding and connecting with other people easy for me, but I also find it almost impossible to disconnect. I end up having to put distance between myself and people sometimes simply to avoid being overwhelmed by my awareness of their emotions, and sometimes it’s difficult for people to understand why I withdraw. Overall, it’s a great quality and I don’t usually feel overburdened by it, but I would love to learn how to be better at handling clairsentience, which is a stronger, more intense form of empathy.
Best wishes,
Clare
Meg, So glad this clarified things for you.
Clare, My take is that clairsentients are skilled empaths. To me you sound like a strong empath who doesn’t merge quite as unknowingly as many do but who could benefit from learning disconnection, shielding, and boundary skills so you don’t have to withdraw or feel so overwhelmed by the awareness of their emotions. Whether our language matches up or not on clarsentience versus empathy, I’d love to have you learn how to do this. I’m teaching folks how to do this in the class I’m teaching right now if you care to join us.
Warmly,
Jenna
Clare,
Also felt in sync with your comments. I totally understand that feeling of loving the ability to have more compassion and understanding for others as as a great gift to have with clairsentients. I also have moments of disconnected or withdraw from others to keep myself from being overwhelmed (I mean walking into a mall for me on some days… no way!). I don’t have a hard time telling people that I m taking some time out for me and that it has nothing to do with them, However while some people accept this, others want to make it an issue. So I began to use my clairsentients for understanding and compassion with these folks as well. I can see a variety of reasons people find my choice to withdraw unacceptable. Some people rely on that “merge “(rather then a connection) too energize their own choices or lifestyles (many have no clue that they even do this). For others it seems to be fear of being alone that causes them to balk at the idea that you relish it. I mean for different people the reasons are endless. While I m sure that you have also used this ability and came to some of the same understandings, I would like better tools to balancing clairsentience as well. I ‘m pretty sure that Jenna is also clairsentient as most highly sensitive people seem to be, and her classes (that I have not personally been able to take because of expense – but want to) articles and advice can be extremely helpful. Best Wishes! I think we are in the right place.
Hi Jenna and all,
I also wished I could have afforded your class, but I am grateful for this opportunity to continue learning and reading about other’s experiences. Thank you also for responding Jenna.
I am slowly building a business after a layoff from a twelve year job. The change was a gift, as it allowed me to move and marry my sweetheart, who lived in another state. I was really tied into my career. So the universe gave me a push. I am much happier where I am.
I just heard about you a couple of weeks ago and listened to your Monday night teleconferece previous to the class you have started. It was a wonderful revelation to get your information. I have started applying it. Particularly about the amount of rest and to honor my sensitive self and stop living as if I am not. I was feeling the beginnings of rejuvenation.
However, Monday I was in a very unusual situation where I had to be with someone who was spewing hatred and anger at me and about me for at least 90 minutes. (A court proceeding about my Mom’s estate. I am the personal rep (or executor). The judge allowed my brother to question me for 3 hours while I was on the stand, under oath. So I had to stay there. Well it seemed like I did. In hind sight I could have left.) Anyway, the judge never stopped the slander, the lies and the hatred spewed at me and I had to consistently address it and set whatever boundaries I could. I also had to say “stop sighing disparagingly whenever I start talking.” So beyond the courses of action of hiring a lawyer ( no money to do so,) Yet I can call lawyers for free consults and ask a large support network I have for support.
But the feeling I was left with as I have tried to process this is that I was wounded emotionally and spiritually by this abuse. It first went into my brian and I got obsessed for about four hours that night, remembered to smudge with sage, got clear, and then got obsessed again for two hours. Slept poorly.
Was obsessed for about three more hours yesterday. Did good self care, but wanted to overeat (didn’t) wanted to have sex (prayed and got that I was too tired, so didn’t) and have tired to get support for my regular daily activities and not talk about it too much.
I did some clearing techniques I know. But somehow, especially with family, but also becuase it was public, abusive energy can get in. I felt like I took on entities from him and it severely compromised my self esteem for a while. I really took on this person’s stuff. And part of the anger I felt later I think was healthy. I was not protected from this bullying behavior and character assassination by the judge. So I will pray about next steps to take legally. But last point…why do I go unconscious about my boundaries around certain people. Denial? Wanting something different? I had a picture of a spiritual guide with me, I created sacred space around me. I think I might have let it down. Not sure. I got hooked for a short time. And then I think I got majorly hooked into their energy becuase I was so obsessed. I was the person’s little nuclear reactor for a while. Any insights or tips you could share would be so very appreciated!
Blessings, Laurece
Jenna
This article is so awesome! Thanks so much. I think this IS where I am at now. I feel that I am coming to know my authentic self and on the way realize how much I have been absorbing from others. Also this article helps me as I become stronger in my truth to protect myself so that I have the energy to pursue my authentic work.
Ungrounded, distracted, uncomfortable, NO – calm, grounded, and present YES
I think I will use the above to evaluate my interactions with others and learn to become a more skilled empath.
Sara