Feature Article
Your Questions, Answered

I thought it was about time to answer some of the excellent questions you've been posting on my blog. The questions have been edited for brevity and clarity; they can be read in their entirety on the Your Biggest Questions page on the blog. Each question raises the topic of working with emotions.

Is it normal to hide out to avoid upsetting and overstimulating situations?

On April 18, 2006, Jessica asked: "My biggest question is if it's 'normal' for a highly sensitive person to cry, run away, hide out in their room, and avoid all future situations where their sensitivity was strongly provoked or brought out? I'm 20 years old. Anyone would think I'd already be driving a car, going to clubs with my friends, having 150 friends at that, going to college, having a job, making money for myself, or just living my LIFE outside of my bedroom, my computer, my books and my sketchbooks. But I don't because I have very, very strong emotional reactions to situations.

"Everyone says to just 'get over it' but they don't tell me how. 'Suck it up and shut up. Stop caring. Move on. Get a job. Go to school. Drive. Go out.' It alienates me and makes me feel as though I am abnormal, in a bad way."

Dear Jessica,

I answered your question because it reminded me very much of how I felt when I was 20. First of all, yes, I do think it's normal to avoid situations that have felt traumatizing. Second, there is nothing wrong with you for being sensitive. Third, what I suggest you focus on is letting go of the notion that you "should" be like a non-sensitive person and live a non-sensitive's life. This doesn't mean that you won't socialize, have jobs, or go out. But it does mean that you'll do it in a way that works with your sensitivity rather than against it.

Pushing through what doesn't work for you will only increase your aversion to it. Instead, I suggest that you begin exploring what YOU, Jessica, would LIKE to do and would feel comfortable with, and head in that direction. For example, it sounds like you love to sketch. Perhaps a comfortable place to connect with others would be in an art class or small sketching group. Gradually venturing out in ways that you enjoy will help you feel more comfortable and more self-confident, which will gradually build your ability to tolerate emotional challenges. Also take a look at my answer to Karyn, below, for more about handling emotions.

Warmly,
Jenna

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How can I feel my feelings without such intensity?

On April 20, 2006, Karyn asked: "Without realizing it, I sometimes avoid feelings because they are so strong. I recognize that stepping over one's feelings does not work. But I also wonder how to feel the feelings without such intensity. Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated."

Dear Karyn,

You make the point that avoiding feelings doesn't ultimately work, which I believe is part of your answer. The expression "What we resist, persists," applies here. Since many sensitive souls have been shamed for being "too emotional," and because our culture isn't exactly emotionally permissive, many of us try to repress our emotions as much as possible. This in turn makes them feel MORE intense.

I also think that many of us have a deep fear that if we "go into" our emotions, they will never end. As much as we might like to think this is true, it is not. We will not die, or be swallowed by pain as we fear, if we allow ourselves to experience our feelings. In fact, allowing ourselves to fully experience our feelings is what ultimately makes them feel less intense.

The key is allowing yourself to tune into your emotions and discover what they are here to tell you. Your emotions are a source of valuable information. Think of them as your friends, guides, allies, and healers, and see how that shifts your experience of their intensity.

Warmly,
Jenna

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How can I stop crying when my daughter sings?

And here's an older one: On October 8, 2005, Donna asked: "In addition to being sensitive, I'm also very emotional. I wear my emotions on my face. I couldn't wear a deadpan expression if I tried! Is there a technique I can use to stop an embarrassing emotional response I have in public or anywhere, whenever my daughter sings? I start to cry! I can't stop. It wells up inside of me and my eyes start to water.

"Mind you, she has made other people cry too! She has a lovely soprano voice which belies her years -- she's only 8 -- and we're told she's going to go all the way. (Her dream is to be an opera singer when she grows up.) You can imagine how I feel each time I hear her sing -- that amazing voice coming out of her little body. But this crying business is so embarrassing. How can I stop it?"

Dear Donna,

The tricky part about your question is that many people will agree with you that crying in public is embarrassing. However, I want to suggest to you that your tears are a beautiful expression of your love for your daughter and a true reflection of the gloriousness of her singing. It sounds like it touches you deeply, and why wouldn't it? Her voice seems to clearly be a gift from Spirit.

As I said to Karyn: "What we resist, persists." Consider allowing your honest and authentic emotional expression to come forth, rather than struggling against it. That may shift the discomfort you feel about it. Breathe while you cry, and allow the tears. (I think we stop breathing when tears come as a way to resist them.) Your tears are beautiful and welcome.

I believe that our culture is uncomfortable with tears because we are collectively uncomfortable with emotions, not because crying is inherently bad. You can be a powerful model for truth and beauty in the world. Why would you ever stop?

Warmly,
Jenna